17.06.2019
Chris and I slept so well last night that we overslept the yoga bell at 8:00 a.m. and only got up on time for breakfast at 9:00 a.m.
In the morning, as a group, we explored the “in-house” rainforest, getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and learning about the different plants and their properties.
It was a nice little exploration.
After lunch, I had my personal conversation with “my” shaman and his partner Josefine (from Sweden), who also served as a translator.
We talked for over an hour.
Not only about my motivation for participating in the Ayahuasca retreat, but also about other things to get to know each other better and to ease the nervousness before the first Ayahuasca ceremony tonight in this retreat.
At the end, “Niño“ (the shaman) then “prescribed” me two master plants for my personal diet plan, as I want to solve my problems of not being able to trust other people, but also have larger and more profound questions that affect not only me, but the entire humanity, such as: will we kill ourselves and our planet, or will the planet recover after us?
It is now almost 5:00 p.m., which means it’s time for the meditation session.
Afterwards, we will watch the sunset and at 8:00 p.m., the first Ayahuasca ceremony of this retreat will begin.
We also have a full moon tonight, which promises a very strong and energetic ceremony, or rather, we hope so.
I’ll know more tomorrow.
June 18, 2019
When we gathered in the Maloka last night, we were given a few rules before the ceremony started.
For example, it was explained to us that anyone who participates in the ceremony and begins cannot leave the bungalow prematurely just because they don’t feel any effects during the ceremony.
Anyone who starts the ceremony must stay in the Maloka until the end.
Of course, you could go to the toilet at any time, but you had to make sure to come back to the Maloka as quickly as possible, as the protected area that can be influenced by the shaman is only inside the Maloka. Safety cannot be guaranteed outside.
When the ceremony actually began, candles were lit again.
This time, one at each entrance to the Maloka, one opposite the shaman on the other side of the room, and two directly at the shaman’s “altar”.
Then, a jungle tobacco plant was lit, brought to a glow and blown out to get it smoking properly.
Then, Josefine, the shaman’s partner, walked through the Maloka with the smoking tobacco plant in a bowl and distributed the smoke in the room.
She also gently pushed the smoke around each participant in the ceremony.
Then, one participant after another was asked to come to the shaman to receive the first “chalice” of Ayahuasca.
First, the shaman served the Ayahuasca mixture, which one had to drink, then immediately afterwards, Josefine handed over a chalice of water (to make the taste of Ayahuasca more bearable), and finally, she gave each person a very pleasant-smelling oil that they had to rub in their hands to smell if they felt like they needed to vomit.
Basically, it was not a mistake to smell one’s hands because the smell of the oil covered up the very strange aftertaste of the Ayahuasca very well.
The main goal of the oil was to prevent vomiting or suppress the urge for at least the first 30 minutes after taking Ayahuasca.
The Ayahuasca had to distribute itself properly in the body.
After these first 30 minutes, it was theoretically okay to give in to one’s needs (which many participants did not hesitate to do).
When each participant had taken the Ayahuasca and had made themselves comfortable on their mat, the candles were blown out, and the shamans sang a few songs.
Relatively soon after that, I lost my sense of time, and I wasn’t sure if I was awake or dreaming… it was as if both were mixing together at some point…
Now comes the part that is really difficult to explain.
It all started with hallucinations on the ceiling of the Maloka.
The beams of the roof turned into beetles that were somehow very large and connected to each other, or standing almost directly behind/next to each other, almost like a caterpillar or an ant trail.
When one beetle changed direction, they all did (almost like a large school of fish) and the roof accordingly spun in circles.
I didn’t see many bright colors that night, except once when I stretched and squeezed my eyes shut.
In that moment, there was suddenly a beautiful colorful parrot head on the ceiling of the Maloka, but only for a brief moment.
All other hallucinations were more in dark gray tones and black.
Most of the ceremony I spent trying to understand what someone was constantly whispering in my ear.
However, I couldn’t understand a word.
I often saw a little shadow pass by me, but I couldn’t see it well enough to describe it in more detail.
It was small, a round black head without eyes, nose, or mouth, and I couldn’t even see proper arms or legs.
And I couldn’t get the whispering out of my head.
I couldn’t understand anything, but it gave me the feeling that the little spirit was somewhat shy.
The more I tried to understand, the further away and more indistinct the whispering became.
At first, I thought the little spirit with the gentle voice wanted to slowly prepare me for the coming ceremonies, but the more I think about what happened last night, the more I feel that the little spirit was afraid or intimidated by me, didn’t trust me, and therefore didn’t show itself to me or talk to me.
It tried for a long time, but I probably couldn’t (not even in the end) provide enough safety or trust for it to show itself and talk to me.
I hope I can find it again in the next ceremony and provide enough safety and trust for it to talk to me.
Sometimes I have this effect on other people too, whether I want to or not, that they become a little afraid, intimidated, or uncertain around me.
Until today, I still don’t know why.
Maybe it’s my size, my facial expression, my aura (which may be darker than I thought), or something else entirely.
Maybe the little spirit can also give me an answer to that.
After getting to know each other better, most people around me feel very comfortable in my company and occasionally reveal to me that they felt initially threatened or intimidated by me.
What was also very beautiful and generous of the Ayahuasca spirit was that I was able to listen to the “transformation” of a retreat participant.
The night before, we had a very lively discussion about, among other things, alcoholics and how best to help them.
The participant in question has two alcoholics in her family.
Therefore, she had a very strong opinion on this topic:
“They fell into the hole themselves, they didn’t want to accept help, and now they have to climb out of the hole alone.
If they need or want help, there is a phone number and trained people who can help very well.
However, as a family member, she will not waste her time again and again helping someone who will climb back into the hole at the next difficulty and actually doesn’t want help.”
Tonight, Ayahuasca made this person immobilized until she accepted that she had to take the first step.
I overheard her saying, “Ahh….ok… ok ok… then I will try…. ah, no no no, I will, I WILL call him and reach out to him.”
We don’t want to discuss whether this view is right or wrong; it is just to show how Ayahuasca can completely change a person’s perspective in just one night.
For me, it was very nice to hear that she apparently finally understood.
Several participants had tried to explain this to her the night before, and no one could convince her in the slightest.
Then the ceremony slowly approached its end, and the shaman and his partner started the final ritual to bring everyone back.
First, the shaman’s partner sprayed the scented oil from her mouth onto our hands, then sprayed it into the air, and finally sprayed our heads (barely noticeable on the skin, but definitely smelled).
Then the shaman came to each of us, blew a pale natural tobacco smoke from a self-rolled cigarette onto our hands, our heads, and our bodies.
After that, if you hadn’t already done so, you had to close your eyes while the shaman lit a small fire on a saucer and went around the head and body with it several times.
Then he thanked me with “Gracias, Hermano Ralph” and went to the next person.
After the shaman had gone through all the participants, the ceremony was more or less over.
Surprisingly, I did not have to vomit or have diarrhea during this ceremony.
But including me, relatively many participants had to fart comparatively often.
Certainly more pleasant than the other options.
Since I meditated this afternoon, I have been somewhat depressed because I really can’t explain why the little spirit didn’t dare to talk to me.
I hope he can explain it to me a bit tomorrow during the ceremony.
Furthermore, I hope he will trust me enough tomorrow to talk to me.
I kept thinking about the little spirit today.
There was no yoga since we had the Ayahuasca ceremony last night. It will resume tomorrow.
Also, we have the opportunity to help with the preparation of the Ayahuasca mixture tomorrow.
It will start at 7:30 a.m. It will surely be super interesting.
Maybe I asked the wrong questions.
I wanted an answer to the question of who I really am and how I can truly trust other people again.
Perhaps I already know who I really am and therefore no longer need an answer to this question, as I have gotten to know myself really well after all these years of traveling and wandering the world alone.
And for the most part, I do trust the “normal” people around me.
It’s just that when it comes to really trusting people in my inner circle who could really hurt me, I have a problem with trust.
As soon as I tear down the last protective walls, I am defenseless and really vulnerable.
And I actually swore to myself never to become so vulnerable again, as I was back then when I almost took my own life.
I never want to be so defenseless again, but I also want to be able to love and trust without worries.
However, both cannot work at the same time, of course.
Maybe Ayahuasca can show me both paths, so I can finally decide.
